Finding Strength

I have managed to make it through yet another week of top notch stress!  Again, I find myself saying I can't believe this is my life! I am trying so hard to maintain some sense of structure, yet it seems to escape me.  All the things a person should normally be doing are hard to get done. All I am managing to get done is our laundry.

Feeling completely lost at the beginning of the week, to just plain overloaded by the end of the week. I managed to find some people to be very helpful, while others just plain rude.  But I have found strength knowing that I am not alone in my situations.

Everyday I am having to run here, or run there.  Talk to this person, or talk to that person. Going to physical therapy for my back, managing my pain levels, and talking with a counselor. I am so busy for someone who doesn't work!

I got to see my other grandboys.  Watching them absolutely warmed my heart!  I miss them so much! Seeing their faces changed my mood and gave me the extra strength I needed to continue on this journey I am facing.

Strong words of encouragement from my counselor, the love of my grandsons, a few long cries, a couple of outbursts, and I am still here to face my future head on! There are people out there who don't see the struggles that I face.  There's not just one or two struggles. They are overwhelming for me at times.

I took time for myself last night and let everything else go.  It felt good. I need to do it more often. I believe I was still in shock most of this week over an incident that happened during Christmas.  I now find that I am able to move on from it and move forward.  I still have a lot of work to do for myself, but this week I am finding the strength I need to move forward!

I am feeling better. I am smiling again....

I WILL SURVIVE!

 

Emptiness

  I sit here at two in the morning,the events of the last six months run through my head. I still can not grasp that this is my life.  As a mother, I can't conceive the things that I had to do to protect myself and my grandson. The emptiness I bare is excruciating.

Six months ago I truly thought that by now my memories would be bittersweet, but they still cut like a knife. Still worried about where she is, whose she with, and the scariest,what is she doing!

My emotions are crumbling inside of me, as I don't know how I am suppose to feel. I am lost within myself. My heart is bitter to the world. I have lived with my guard up for so long, I'm afraid I will never trust again.

I am broken. Shattered from the inside out. I am hoping to heal my heart, and find my way back to feeling something rather than this empty, hollow shell that I am right now. Anything would be better than this nothingness I feel right now.